Monday, January 20, 2014

Bedtime Sucks

I am losing my mother f*#%ing mind.  I've been trying to nurse this kid to sleep for an hour.  He keeps looking all drifty, then he grabs for the blanket, or tugs at his pant legs, or wants to switch sides - again.  My stupid Sleep Number bed sucks @$$, and my back is killing me and the pain has radiated into my neck and caused a headache.  My nipples are irritated and every time he unlatches to switch (every twenty seconds) I push down a scream that's building in every cell of my body.  I'm so overstimulated my skin is crawling and I want to push him off of me.  It's too hot in here and my anxiety is mounting and I'm really angry, and I feel guilty for how angry I feel toward this precious, tiny child.  I can't breathe.  I message Adam.  "I can't do this."

Minutes later, a reply "Car?"

But Bellybean has finally stopped flopping from boob to boob.  He's calming down.  I don't want to waste gas driving him to sleep except as an absolute last resort.  I can give it one last pained, ticked-off try.

And then he's asleep.

Just like that.

My back is hot with pain.  My brow won't unfurrow.  My breathing is still off, my chest still full of the pent-up frustration.  But he's asleep.  And beautiful.  Peaceful.  His curls soft and magical.

I lay him down as I kiss his left eyelid, then lay down to stretch my back.  I pull my tank top back up over my poor, worn-out nipples.

I need to get up and do dishes, laundry.  But all I really want to do is scoot over so I'm next to him.  Soaking him up.  Breathing him in.  Sharing his peace.

I love, love, love Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution books.  
What works for you to help your little ones sleep?

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