My Distorted Body Image

Three years ago, I was skinny.  I grew up thin, and don't recall feeling fat, or worrying about my weight.  I complained about being flat-chested, but I don't remember disliking my whole body (just my boobs - kind of funny, now - considering that now, I'm all about my boobs!).  My sister was the pretty one, but by the end of high school I no longer felt like that made me the ugly one.

I gained 50 pounds with my first pregnancy, and I hated how puffy and full my cheeks looked, especially since I had cut my hair super short in the first trimester.  Gradually the weight fell off, and I was thin when it came time to get pregnant again - and gain 50 pounds again.

I didn't work very hard to lose my second round of baby weight, but with breastfeeding and some walking, I lost my curves and fluff.  Then I got e-coli. After a month or two of being sick (and thinking, for most of that time, that it was just my Irritable Bowel Syndrome and/or a virus), I was a skinny size 4.

I remember seeing this photo online around that time, and loving it.  I totally identified with the woman pictured.

The beautiful Lizzi Miller is a plus-size model, whose 3-inch by 3-inch photo in Glamour sparked a tremendous positive response among women who felt empowered to see a normal sized woman, and see her as gorgeous.  This meant that we normal women felt able to see ourselves as gorgeous.

What got me, though, when I read more about Lizzi, was the realization that at a size 4, I could look at her at a size 12-14, and think, "That's what my body looks like."  

My tummy, after two children at the time, was just like Lizzi’s.  That's probably what I identified with the most.  Even so, I overidentified, and I think that’s a clear indication that I had a pretty distorted body image.  I mean, I was relatively happy with my body.  But I wasn’t identifying with Lizzi because I thought she was beautiful and so was I.  I was identifying because I thought I looked like a size 12-14.  It took being tagged on Facebook in a picture a friend had taken to realize how thin I’d become:

November 22, 2010

I was shocked.  That was me?  I was that thin?!  Shazam!   Not much later, I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease.  The night I wore my grandma’s awesome vintage dress to a friend’s Mad Men party, I was so bloated it was hard to get the dress zipped.  So I googled "why am I bloated" or "natural cures for bloating" or something and came across the symptoms for Celiac, and boom.  I just knew I had it.

November 2010.

My doctor agreed to a blood test for gluten antibodies, but he also sent me home with (another) handout on Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  The blood test showed high gluten antibodies, and later the results of an endoscopy gave me the Celiac diagnosis, on December 27th, 2010.  

Within a few months, I was back at my top pregnancy weight, but without a bun in my oven this time.  
I'd been misdiagnosed with IBS in 1996.  So for fourteen years I had eaten like a college girl, without absorbing all of the good - or bad - from my food.  And at age 35, I had some ingrained eating habits working against me.  Between not realizing that I was absorbing fat and calories my body had dumped for years, and failing for a few weeks to renew a Synthroid prescription for my hypothyroidism (another autoimmune syndrome that loves fat), I gained weight on a gluten-free diet very quickly.*  In fact, most of the 50-pound gain happened in about a month.

At a size 14, I no longer identified with Lizzi.  Or with me.  I felt huge - way bigger than she could possibly be - no way were we the same size!  I looked in the mirror and I didn't know who that was, looking back.  She wasn't pregnant, but she was overweight - obese, by definition, in fact.  

I was supposed to be healthier - no more diarrhea or gas cramps, more energy.  But instead I was at an unhealthy weight.  And I was really and truly pissed off about it.   I would create opportunities to explain my weight to people - like I wanted them to know that this wasn't really me.  I wasn't really fat - I was just in this crappy circumstance.

When my oldest son, Magoo, started first grade, I walked him to and from school most days for months - so about 15 miles of walking each week.  I didn't diet well.  I tried sometimes, but mostly I just thought about it.  I’m not much of a cook, and I was still adjusting to the fact that my husband and Magoo had become vegetarians.  Between trying to wrap my head around entrees that weren’t meat, and Googling everything I put in my mouth for gluten-containing ingredients, I wasn’t up for any fad diets with lots of restrictions.  I wasn’t even too keen on limiting portion sizes, or completely giving up sweets, either...  We eat relatively healthy, at least - organic foods, not as many processed foods as some.  I thought the exercise should help.  But the weight just stayed.

Then I got pregnant.  It was unplanned, and very, very welcome.  And in addition to getting the third child we so dearly wanted - I finally had a good reason to be fat!

Once I started to show, I didn't mind being overweight.  But I didn't want to gain another 50 pounds, so I tried to limit my binging on candy, and I tried to eat smaller portions.  Although my midwife assured me that my levels were nothing to be concerned about, when I had some ketones in my urine and read that ketosis might impact my baby’s IQ, I decided to relax.  I gained some weight, but not too much, at the end of my pregnancy.  I dropped it within a week or two of giving birth.  But no sooner had I put away my maternity clothes than I gained it all back.  

I now weigh, depending on whether I place the scale on the hardwood, cork, or tile, between 182.4 and 186.4.  I'm 5'3" with a medium frame.  The only non-maternity pants that fit (yes, I had to get the maternity clothes back out) are a size 16.  Actually, those jeans droop and sag half off of me, but my 14s are too tight...  

My 4s are in the attic.

Over the past year and a half I have vacillated between shame over my weight, and confidence that it's just where I am for now.  

When I was interviewed for a news piece on my NIP discrimination incident, I wished I was thin.  I knew, each month, that the speeches I delivered to the school board would be televised, and I often thought that if I'd just commit to a diet I could at least lose enough to be a size 14, or maybe even a 10 or 12 within a month or two.  But in terms of stress, that period of time was second only to the time surrounding my mother's death.  The weight stayed.

In fact, with all the stress, for months I didn't even bother to go buy make up, and most of the times that I gave speeches or attended meetings, I wasn't wearing any.

And I looked fine.  A lot of the time, I was okay with how I looked.

But I'm not okay with how I feel - physically.  

You see, it's hard to get up when I take a bath.  I'm so big for the bathtub, and I move awkwardly, like when I was pregnant.   This is a prime example of a moment that makes me realize: I need to ensure that this weight is not permanent.

I feel there's a connection between body image and nervousness to nurse in public.  I'd be much more loathe to bare my belly or my butt crack than my boobs.  So I've read more and more about body image.  And there's a great movement out there aimed against fat shaming, with the message of loving your body.

I do.  I love my body.  I had three natural births.  I am a badass.  I created (with a little help from my husband!) and grew three incredible, gorgeous children.  I have spent years nourishing them with my body.

I have sex and I love it.  It's good sex, and my fantastic husband loves me and makes me feel desired in whatever shape or size I am, whether I’m skinny or curvaceous.  

I love my body.

But I'm ready to feel healthier.  Stronger.  I want to get out of the bathtub without feeling like I’m about to slip and get very hurt.  I want to climb stairs without being winded.  I want to go surfing someday and be strong enough to actually catch a wave.   I want to feel like I’m taking care of my body enough that I don’t have to worry I’ll die before I can meet my grandchildren (many years from now).  And I don’t want to be too decrepit to help my sons with said grandchildren..

It's not fat shaming for me to want to be skinny again.  Aside from the whole e coli thing and the Celiac symptoms, in a way, I felt healthier when I was sick.   And I still have some really cute size 4 clothes in the attic that I'd like to get to wear again.  I don't much have cute clothes these days.  Other than some cool T-shirts, I think I hate just about all of my fat clothes.  It’s not as valid a reason to lose weight as my desire to be healthy, but I would like to like the clothes I wear.

So I am going to lose 5 pounds.

Not 50.  5.

I have a smart sister.  I don't know if she knows that.  She was the pretty one - I was the smart one.  Or so she thinks.  But she's really quite bright, and she told me that she lost weight by having a goal of 5 pounds.  Then another 5, then another 5, til she lost 20.  So I'll keep going once I hit my first goal, but for now, I will work towards losing 5 pounds.

And I am publicly declaring my goal, ‘cause that's how we stick to resolutions in this social media age, right?  

This post has been a long time coming.  I’ve become more interested in the connection between body image and NIP fears, thinking more about my own body image.  Thinking more about expanding the scope of this blog.

But I have been afraid that no one would be interested in anything besides the breastfeeding advocacy they came here for to begin with.  I have been afraid that if I posted this goal here, I would publicly fail.  I‘ve been afraid that if I posted it, I’d have to start.  Start limiting portions, start exercising.  Start taking care of myself.  

Robert Anthony said, “We fear the thing we want the most.”  I have to admit, I don’t know who Robert Anthony is (was?).  I Googled “fear quotes,” looking for a way to end this post!  And this one works.  

I want to change my eating habits.  I want to exercise.  I want to take care of myself.  And I know other people can relate to this - so I want my journey to be of interest to people who might find themselves here reading this.

So - here goes.  

I had a lovely Valentine’s Day, replete with several gluten-free, egg-free brownies (thank you, Adam!), chocolate covered strawberries, and before I came to bed I squirted too much Redi-Whip directly into my mouth.  I enjoyed getting my sugar on today.  And now it's time to say goodbye.

Tomorrow, I start losing 5 pounds. Update: You can read about my first week of choosing health here.

Do you think your body image may be distorted?
Have you made a commitment to self care?
If so, do you think you are motivated by how you look, or by how you feel?

Edit: I'm overwhelmed by the reception of this post! Several people have been inspired by my sister's idea to lose five pounds. If you'd like to join me, I've created a Facebook group for support and accountability. *Some people lose weight on a gluten-free diet.  I suspect this has to do with cutting carbs by cutting gluten.  Celiacs often have trouble gaining weight, and are able to do so as their intestines heal on a gluten-free diet.  
And as long as I’m writing about Celiac, I feel I should mention that many people are sensitive to gluten even without having Celiac.  If you have any health issues whatsoever, it may be worth going gluten-free for awhile to see if anything changes.  Gluten is bad mojo.

Blogging More

I became a blogger by chance.  I had tried blogging long ago, but it never took.  When I started Keep Austin Nursing in Public, it was out of a need to connect with people, to solicit support for a law-abiding breastfeeding policy at Austin Independent School District.  Then support for breastfeeding legislation in Texas.  I've come to like blogging, and in my mind, though not so much in reality, this blog has evolved into a place where I could share stuff I care about that has nothing to do with boobs.  I'd also like to post more frequently about breastfeeding, too, because Facebook algorithms have caused me a ridiculous amount of anxiety, and I'm under-utilizing this platform in favor of that one.  So, expect to see more here in the future (she says, knowing she has like 60 unfinished drafts, but hoping that this public declaration will be a kick in the pants to finish and post some of those!).

SO - if you missed these on Facebook, here are some breastfeeding gems:

Saturday Night Live kept the Austin Victoria's Secret NIP incident in the media longer than I'd have expected - by making a joke that was not at the expense of breastfeeding moms!  Breastfeeding isn't often portrayed in movies and television, but when it is, it's almost always for a laugh.  This time, at least the laugh came when the audience realized that Cecily Strong was mocking Victoria's Secret!



The irony of a bra store employee telling a mother to breastfeed elsewhere was all over the news.  Which makes it an excellent opportunity to hold the situation up as an example of why we need stronger breastfeeding laws.  Read my post, "Breastfeeding in public harassment and how you can make a difference" on The Leaky Boob to see how you can be part of one systemic solution for this all-too-frequent problem.  (Y'ALL!  I have a guest post on The Leaky Boob!  I can't even tell you how stoked I am about that!  I'm so grateful to Jessica Martin-Weber for the opportunity to talk about legislation to a wider audience.)

If you missed the incident when it first hit the news, you can see the interview with Ashley Paradez here: Woman denied right to breastfeed at Victoria’s Secret store.  I think she did a really nice job, and I appreciate that she reached out and covered our coalition's efforts to improve Texas NIP law.  (If you watch it, that's me on the phone!.)

And one more BF goodie for you tonight - "Ruin Your Day" by Sparrow Folk. This video is hysterical, and I lovelovelovelove it!

It's a Jungle Down There

I hate shaving my legs.  Every time I do it, I wind up with razor burn, and my legs look just as crummy smooth with irritated skin as they look with long, dark, wiry hair.  But I prefer smooth legs, so I cover up my rarely shaven legs, even though shorts would be more comfortable than jeans for about nine months out of the year in Austin.

Since I am not in the shaving habit, in addition to sweating a lot all summer, I've missed out on swimming with my kids now and again.  And the other night while in Pennsylvania visiting family, I was planning to sit on the deck when we all went to the hotel pool with my nieces, who live out East.  We only see them once a year, and when we do, the boys have such a blast with them!

As I sat at a table keeping an eye on the kids while they played with Adam, my 10-year-old niece asked me why I wasn't getting in.  I explained that I hadn't had time to shave.

She said I should get in anyways.

We chatted just a bit more as I realized that, in her youth, she was so much wiser
than me.

Heck yes, I should get in!

For one thing - we were the only people at the pool!  But even if there were others later - what was the big deal?!  I don't need to care if there's a societal expectation that I have hairless legs to swim.  I was letting an incredibly stupid "rule" get in the way of truly enjoying my family - and the hot tub!

But more than any of that, the reason I went up to our room and put on my bathing suit was that I so rarely influence my nieces, and I would be loathe to get it so very wrong with this one chance I had.  I didn't want to be an example of opting out of life because someone might think my legs weren't perfect, or because I might feel embarrassed by my lack of attention to maintaining my physical appearance.  I didn't want to be another example for her of prioritizing looks - little girls get enough of that crap.  I don't imagine donning my suit and climbing into the pool made a huge life-changing impression on her.  But at least I minimized the negative, if subtle, impression I'd have made if I'd spent the evening watching the fun in my jeans.

Days later - still hairy, still picking family fun over vanity.

Bedtime Sucks

I am losing my mother f*#%ing mind.  I've been trying to nurse this kid to sleep for an hour.  He keeps looking all drifty, then he grabs for the blanket, or tugs at his pant legs, or wants to switch sides - again.  My stupid Sleep Number bed sucks @$$, and my back is killing me and the pain has radiated into my neck and caused a headache.  My nipples are irritated and every time he unlatches to switch (every twenty seconds) I push down a scream that's building in every cell of my body.  I'm so overstimulated my skin is crawling and I want to push him off of me.  It's too hot in here and my anxiety is mounting and I'm really angry, and I feel guilty for how angry I feel toward this precious, tiny child.  I can't breathe.  I message Adam.  "I can't do this."

Minutes later, a reply "Car?"

But Bellybean has finally stopped flopping from boob to boob.  He's calming down.  I don't want to waste gas driving him to sleep except as an absolute last resort.  I can give it one last pained, ticked-off try.

And then he's asleep.

Just like that.

My back is hot with pain.  My brow won't unfurrow.  My breathing is still off, my chest still full of the pent-up frustration.  But he's asleep.  And beautiful.  Peaceful.  His curls soft and magical.

I lay him down as I kiss his left eyelid, then lay down to stretch my back.  I pull my tank top back up over my poor, worn-out nipples.

I need to get up and do dishes, laundry.  But all I really want to do is scoot over so I'm next to him.  Soaking him up.  Breathing him in.  Sharing his peace.

I love, love, love Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution books.  

What works for you to help your little ones sleep?

Keep on Nursing in Public, B!^&$es

In the documentary "Breastmilk" someone says something like, "You have to be almost mean to breastfeed."  I don't know if I remember that quite right, but it was something like that.  I understood that as "You have to be determined."  That's how I felt about natural birth.  I felt like I had to be completely and totally committed to the goal of having a natural birth if I was going to get through without screaming for an epidural.  And I think maybe you do have to be absolutely committed to breastfeeding to keep at it without being derailed by one of the many, many barriers you may encounter. This is NOT to say that not meeting birthing and breastfeeding goals is the result of too little determination, only that success is not the result of a lackadaisical attitude about it.

The other day, I had a different interpretation of that line - a literal one.  I was sitting near my in-laws at a cafe table (in Lititiz, PA!  Get it?) and Bellybean signed, unprompted for the first time ever(!), that he wanted to nurse.  And I thought, *#%^ it, my baby needs to eat."  And so I nursed him.

I don't know who my mean attitude was toward (my in-laws have always supported breastfeeding), but I think it was toward me!

I've been feeling touched out, and reluctant to nurse my toddler in public.  I can't explain why.  Maybe because now that he's bigger it's easier to nurse seated than walking around, and when we're busy out and about I don't want to stop to nurse.  Maybe because after settling down and getting him access to the boob, he often only takes a few sips - surely he can't need to nurse if it's just a few sips!  (This is something that goes through my head but I don't really believe it - nursing is about more than just food.)  Sometimes it's because I'm somewhere that I want to be discreet, like sitting in the crowded cafetorium next to someone's fifth grader at my kid's school choir concert, and I know odds are good that Bellybean will shove my shirt up my boob away from his face, and will scream if I try to re-arrange it to cover any breast flesh.

I realized before our trip that for the first time (I don't remember it ever being an issue with my oldest two), I was nervous about breastfeeding around my extended family over the holidays.  With my older boys, I nursed so discreetly that I never worried anyone would see my boob or care that I was breastfeeding.  But Bellybean is less accommodating, and I don't want to feel awkward or deal with rude comments if I'm showing skin around family - or to feel anxious in anticipation of a bad reaction (that will likely never come).

But that day was like a little breakthrough.  Sort of.  It was like I gave myself a kick in the pants that set my priorities straight.  He's not an infant anymore, and his wants aren't needs in the same way they once were.  But when my 18-month-old asks to nurse, he does need something from me - milk, or connection, or to feel centered.  He needs something that it's likely only I can provide.  And while sometimes he could be distracted by table food or a toy, I think he feels rejected when I don't nurse him.

He needs - and I need for him - to feel loved and valued.  So *#%^ it - as best as I am able, if my little boy wants to nurse, I will nurse him.  Even if I feel awkward or am busy or touched out or it's inconvenient.  I know from experience how fast this time will go.  I can buck up for a few minutes here and there.  I can re-frame my thoughts.  I can do a better job at self-care so I have more to give him.

I can be sure that our breastfeeding relationship is a positive one, and not one that either of us resents.  Even if I have to get a little mean about it.

Do you find it challenging to nurse your toddler?
Have you had to get a little b!^&$y with yourself, or anyone else,
to affect an attitude adjustment?

Adventures in Baby Nursing

I wanted to post to Facebook many times while traveling to see family, but I don't really manage to do social media much away from home.  So here are some breastfeeding-related highlights of our trip that I might have shared if I was better at keeping my phone charged or I wasn't constantly chasing my toddler through un-childproofed places:

• The Car-Seat-Lean-In is, incredibly, still possible when the car seat is in the outboard position (with three across - thank you, Ford Fusion rental car).  It is particularly difficult to nurse standing up while leaning into a car seat - in the freezing cold - but this is an important fact for me to be aware of.  Because sometimes my kid just will not get into a car seat without a boob "reward."

• We started our trip by going to see Elephant and Piggie's We Are in a Play, because we are huge fans of Mo Willems' Elephant and Piggie books.  (The play is awesome - see it if you can!  The books are wonderful - get them - get them now!)  I was worried that Bellybean, exhausted from the loss of four hours of sleep thanks to a 6AM flight, would cause a ruckus and make me miss the play.  But I think nursing helped keep him calm and attentive.  And actually, it was while nursing him during the play that I realized he had a fever.  So being able to NIP was a huge comfort to him.

• My husband's cousin arrived at a party and I was sitting on the floor nursing Bellybean.  He gave me a sideways hug & ruffled Bellybean's hair, either without noticing that he was nursing or without caring.  Either way, a bf win.

Lititz, PA is pretty conservative.  Like, really pretty conservative.
Which added to my NIP nerves at the Donmoyer gatherings there.

• I got to feeling really shy at the party (a feeling I loathe, but which is an integral part of me - blargh), unable to connect with people much as I supervised Bellybean on the stairs and helped him wash his hands just for funsies - seventeen times.  A couple of times he was very fussy and wanted to nurse but I wanted him to respect some nursing manners boundaries (I like to be in charge of my shirt, thank you very much), and as he got louder I felt awkward, like I was drawing so much attention to us. But I stayed in my little bubble, as oblivious of everyone else as I could be, and focused on my little one.  As loud as Donmoyers are, I probably didn't draw nearly as much attention as I imagined.  And they've never given me any reason to think they wouldn't support me.  In fact some of the Lititz family members have made a point of telling me they do, which means the world to me!

• I told my SIL I was anxious about nursing Bellybean around family in a way I'd never been before, because he shoves my shirt up over my boob, unlike my older sons, who tolerated a shirt right up to their noses.  She didn't reassure me, but she didn't tell me not to nurse around her girls or my BIL, either.  I'll take it.

• *Bellybean was super fussy during our Dhistmas (Donmoyer Christmas) celebration, and finally chilled out and nursed, and giggled, while nursing, at something silly I did.  My darling niece looked at him and said, "Now he's a happy baby!"  (*This one's a favorite!)

• I got to thank Adam's uncle for sending me a breastfeeding-related article awhile back.  I'm sometimes bad about replying to emails.  I was so touched by the support it represented that he thought of me and took the time to share it, and I was glad to finally let him know.

• I started our trip with what was starting to look like a bad eye infection, but after dumping a little breastmilk into my eyes just a couple of times, it was almost gone!  Now I'm home with a pointless bottle of Visine and two healthy eyes.

• When we arrived in New Jersey for the second leg of our trip, Adam's grandmother was rushing out of her house because her daughter had just been taken to the emergency room.  We spent hours in the waiting room there.  Any nervous feelings I had about nursing four feet away from people who were facing me in the next row of chairs were stuffed down firmly under my gratitude and relief that I was creating antibodies to feed to my toddler for all of the germs he was being exposed to there.  (Adam's aunt had surgery yesterday to save her life and my MIL is taking care of Grandma for the time being.)

• My cousin just had a baby, and my aunt told me I'd be happy to know she's breastfeeding!  (This was extra nice to be told because other than my sister, I've had exactly zero support from my side of our family since the incident that made me an advocate.  In fact someone tried to start a conversation with my sister that she knew from the first comment would have been a snarky one if she hadn't shut it down.)

• I nursed Bellybean to sleep on the first flight home, and nursed him to calm a few tantrums when he was still exhausted on the second flight.  Flying with a calm/sleeping baby rather than a screaming and crying one has to be one of the best pro-NIP arguments ever.

I had a little talk with myself at a coffee shop one morning that set my priorities straight.  He may be 18 months old, but my toddler needs to nurse.  And even if I'm not feeling it, I will do my best to meet his needs.
I nursed Bellybean at the party with loads of Donmoyers, at restaurants and truck stops, at Hershey's Chocolate World, at my sister's, during Dhistmas...  I'm quite certain boob was glimpsed my some family members as well as strangers.  And not one person said anything about it.  All the worrying that someone might was a whole lotta wasted energy.

Oh - and we gave our snowman woman boobs.  Because boobs are awesome.  

Have you breastfed while traveling?

C'mon, Breastmilk! WTF?!!

Two tips for dealing with sick kids:
Acetaminophen is easy to overdose, and the effects can be deadly.
If you've got a sick baby who is likely to nurse all night long,
you may want to have some lanolin on hand.

I was anxiously rushing through the grocery store with Bellybean strapped to my chest in the Ergo, radiating heat into me from his 102-degree fever.  I knew I had to stock up on some supplies in case I got sick, too.  I had this weird sense that I was the only one in the store aware of the coming Apocalypse.  Well, Flupocalypse. 

I have been properly conditioned to fear the flu.  Poor Glenn
& the gang from The Walking Dead have been on my mind
while I've been freaking out a bit about my little ones being
so sick.  Photo credit: Gene Page/AMC, found here.

I smiled only thinly if at all as I passed other shoppers.  I was a little extra annoyed when people were oblivious to their shopping carts blocking my way as I hurried about, grabbing applesauce and eggs and four different over-the-counter medications.

Anxious that I was spreading germs, I didn't check my raspberries for moldy fruit on the bottom as I usually would.  I just hoped for the best, because I wasn't going to put them back and have some poor unsuspecting fool pick them up and catch flu from us.  When I checked out, I guiltily suggested to the cashier and the bagger that they should use antibacterial gel as I tried to rub some of it onto the credit card machine's stylus.

On my way out I grabbed some complimentary antibacterial wipes.  After I loaded my groceries into the car, I wiped down the sides and handle of the shopping cart before pushing it into the cart corral.  I thought I must look like I was wiping off my fingerprints, and wondered if there was anyone suspiciously watching me through a security camera.

Magoo had perfect attendance last year, but Monday morning when he'd crawled into our bed, I could tell as he snuggled up to me that he'd probably be missing school.  Though he'd been breastfed well past his third birthday, he tested positive for flu on Tuesday morning.  Sweet Pea already had an appointment for a persistent cough, and he was diagnosed with walking pneumonia.  When his fever spiked Tuesday afternoon, we knew he had the flu on top of pneumonia.  And he'd had over two and a half years of Liquid Gold!  By nap time, the baby spiked, as well - despite getting antibodies through my breastmilk the whole time we'd been exposed to Patient Zero.

C'mon, breastmilk!  WTF?!!

We're supposed to have a virtual force field, aren't we?!  Shouldn't my children be immune to all bugs?  They aren't supposed to be able to get colds or ear infections or stomach viruses, dang it!

For that matter, I was breastfed - I shouldn't be overweight or have Celiac Disease!  And my husband was breastfed - he shouldn't have diabetes!

Of course I know that the benefits of breastmilk are measured in percentages of reduced risk - they're not a sure thing.  But still.

I remember being truly flummoxed when Magoo caught colds as a baby and toddler.  I was downright ticked off when Sweet Pea was literally sick without a break for more than half a year.

And when the whole house is hit with 103-degree fevers and Tamiflu is being vomited up in the night (worst.smell.ever.), well - then I get to feeling, albeit irrationally, a little betrayed.

But of course they get sick. It helps build their immunity, too, and they're sick less now as they get older.  Did I mention the perfect attendance last year?

And at least when they're little and sick, like Bellybean, I can comfort them by breastfeeding.

Do you ever get frustrated that your Liquid Gold isn't living up to its "promises?"  

That your Miracle Milk has failed to prevent this or that?

In Search of Balance

Me & my boys at Quintessence.  I was so busy
that I didn't nurse Bellybean until the latch on
at 11am.  So yeah, that's a wet spot from
leaking on my shirt there...

I haven't blogged in close to a month.  I haven't written about receiving a Breastfeeding Hero Award from Central Texas Healthy Mothers, Healthy Babies Coalition, or the TXBC Fall Meeting with Representatives Walle and Farrar, or seeing the documentary "Breastmilk," or hearing back from AISD since my last update.  I still hope to write about these, but I'm trying to focus on my family right now.

I love the sense of purpose that breastfeeding advocacy has given me.  I love the friendships I have made the past year.  I am thankful that, with the help of many people, I have affected some positive changes.

But through all of this advocating for optimal infant nutrition, my older kids are not getting as much whole, healthy food as they need.  Too much pizza, too many frozen vegetarian chick-un nuggets.

My house has been clean only twice in the past year.  I don't mean anal clean, I mean presentable clean.  Willing to open the door to the UPS guy clean.

I've been overweight for more than two and a half years now - since going on a gluten free diet and suddenly absorbing from food what I hadn't the 15 years prior.  Attempts at dieting repeatedly fail and I haven't even tried consistently exercising - I'm too busy.

My middle son doesn't get any play dates and still talks about the kid who moved over a year ago because he's not close to anyone new.  I want to be homeschooling him at least for his pre-k year - and if I can't be organized enough to do it now I can't keep him home for kindergarten, making this my last year with him home with me.  I want to make it a good one.

I have three borrowed books on dyslexia and though my oldest was diagnosed last winter, I've yet to read them.

I don't really do balance.  I love projects.  I love compartmentalizing.  I'm disorganized overall, but I can be organized at working on the school's silent auction.  I'm no good at home maintenance, but if we host Christmas or I get pregnant, suddenly I'm all about painting the bedroom and hanging shelves on the walls.

The past year, advocacy has been my project.

I want to continue.  It's not just a project, it's my passion.  But I need to step back and try to find some balance.  I need my kids to be my main focus.  I am a stay-at-home mom for that reason, and this year it's more like I'm a work-at-home mom.  And as I said, I suck at balance.  That's not how I want to parent.

I've been struggling a lot with this need for balance, with depression, with not knowing what direction to go with this blog, with keeping up with social media.  But things are getting better.  A few friends are helping me admin on Facebook.  I've spent a few weekends starting to de-clutter.  I took Sweet Pea to a great homechool co-op class and took Magoo on our first-ever date.

So I'm finally posting here again, and I'll share more about all that other good stuff I opened with when I get to it.  For now, I'm going to nurse Bellybean back to sleep and get some sleep myself.  Because I've got three energetic boys to focus on in the morning.

How do you find balance when there are too few hours in the day to accomplish all there is to do?

Wonder Woman Likes My Page!

When I started the Keep Austin Nursing in Public Facebook page, I used a breastfeeding Wonder Woman photo  as my profile picture.  I couldn't find the original source, I only knew that

I LOVE it!  It's such an empowering photo!  And there's the whole "I make milk, what's your super power?" tie in, not to mention the fact that NOBODY's going to ask Wonder Woman to nurse in a private room!  Lovelovelove it!

Well yesterday, WONDER WOMAN LIKED MY PAGE!!!

I got a message, "Lol That's my picture you have as your default."

And I thought, "Oh my gosh, oh mygosh, ohmygosh!!!  WONDER WOMAN!"

I looked at her name on the message, checked the recent likes - there it was.  And I thought, "WONDER WOMAN LIKES MY PAGE!"  (Yes, I know I just said that.  It bears repeating.)

This was about as exciting as when I met Jessica The Leaky Boob or when I had a guest post on The Badass Breastfeeder.  I was chatting with WONDER WOMAN!

Wonder Woman - Sundri Balani is her actual name - told me that the photo was taken by her friend Jennifer Gabriele on Halloween 2010.  They were trying to get a family photo but Sundri took a break to nurse, and her friend snapped the picture.  Her son, Sirius, is now 3 and a half.  She said she nursed him anywhere and everywhere for three years.  And this Halloween she's nursing her new three-week-old baby, and is already donating her breastmilk!

She said she's flattered that the picture is going around and that, although it was unintentional, it serves to empower women to nurse their babies as it was meant to be.  I'm thankful that the picture exists for the same reason!

Thank you, Sundri, and congratulations on your new baby!

Share your Halloween, breastfeeding, and breastfeeding on Halloween
photos on my Facebook page!

Press Release & Radio Ad for the Quintessence Breastfeeding Challenge & Family Fun Fest

We sent out a press release to TV stations today (revised from the one provided by the Quintessence Foundation), and sent a radio ad out to local stations asking them to please air it if they have any unused inventory.  Check 'em out!

Radio Ad:

Press Release:

When: Saturday, October 5 10 am – noon
Where: Central Market North (4001 North Lamar Blvd, Austin, TX 78756)
Why: To celebrate and promote breastfeeding as a public health issue
Contact: Gail Gresham, HMBH President – (512) 799-6155
Kim Updegrove, MMBA Director - (512) 494.0800

Central Texas Healthy Mothers, Healthy Babies Coalition and Mothers’ Milk Bank at Austin are co-hosting the Quintessence Breastfeeding Challenge as part of a free family festival this Saturday, October 5 from 10 am to noon at Central Market on North Lamar. Support of the community and of a mothers’ family is vital to improving breastfeeding rates, making a family festival a perfect way to celebrate breastfeeding! The breastfeeding challenge will start promptly at 11am, with registration and activities beginning at 10am. The event features popular children’s singer-songwriter Staci Gray, as well as the band Rockaroni & Cheese (a dad and his son, an eight-year-old drummer). There will be face painting, family-focused vendors, a stuffed animal petting zoo, fire truck, door prizes, breastfeeding trivia tournament, and more! Details at www.tinyurl.com/CenTXQ13.

Why this challenge: Breastfeeding has many well-documented benefits including better health for both mothers and babies. According to UNICEF, of the 136.7 million babies born worldwide, only 32.6% of them breastfeed exclusively in the first six months. In the U.S., that number is just 16.4%. The recommendation of the World Health Organization is for exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months and continued breastfeeding for two years and beyond, together with adequate, appropriate and indigenous complementary feeding starting from the age of six months. Many women fail to meet their own breastfeeding goals and wean their children prematurely, well before meeting recommended guidelines. Two of the biggest hurdles for mothers continue to be lack of support and marginalization by the community. In North America many women find breastfeeding in public to be a major barrier.

About Quintessence: Annually, mothers and children at sites across Canada, the United States and other countries around the world compete to set the record for the most children breastfeeding at one time. The winners of the competition will be the site with the most children breastfeeding in a geographical area. The Quintessence Breastfeeding Challenge began in 2001 in British Columbia Canada with 856 children at 26 sites. By 2012, there were 3,934 children in nine countries at over 211 sites with a total of over 20,000 supporters!

The Quintessence Foundation, a non-profit group providing education to parents and professionals about breastfeeding and human milk banking, sponsors the Breastfeeding Challenge. For more information contact Quintessence Foundation at 604-228-9331 or visit the website: www.babyfriendly.ca

To learn more about the local non-profits hosting this year’s Quintessence Breastfeeding Challenge and Family Fun Fest, visit Healthy Mothers, Healthy Babies Coalition at www.keepaustinbreastfeeding.com or Mothers’ Milk Bank at Austin at www.milkbank.org.

Comfort Food

When we speak up for a woman's right to nurse in public, we usually stick to the most important, basic need of the baby to be fed.

Nursing mothers know that breastfeeding is so much more than just food and physical health benefits.  Among other things, breastfeeding is a comfort for a child.  Whether they're tired, hurt, or overstimulated, breastfeeding is sometimes a cure-all.  But not just for baby.

Do you find nursing to be a comfort to you?  A moment to sit and find peace, soothing for frayed nerves, healing for a sad heart?

Last night my 16-year-old Yorkie mix couldn't breathe well as his heart began to give out on him. He held his nose in the air, breathing shallowly, rapidly.  I knew that the end was near, but hoped we might be able to keep him longer or at least ease his suffering.

By the time Adam had him at the after-hours emergency vet, our three sons were asleep.  I had stayed behind with them, waiting for Adam's call. 

After many questions and more tears, we decided to wake the boys and take them to the vet, where we said goodbye as Thurber fell asleep for the last time.

He was our first baby.  The snooze button on our biological clocks when we considered children in our early twenties, as I craved the mother-child connection I'd lost when my mother died of breast cancer months before.  He was so healing, our little dog.  Caring for him helped me to wade through my grief.

And now it's him I grieve.

This morning the air feels heavy, weighing on me, slowing my thoughts, trying to slow my feelings as shock fades and I realize repeatedly that no, the little noise I just heard in the other room isn't Thurber.  No, I needn't set out a plate of food.  No need to pay attention for a break in this rain to let him outside.  No need to worry that the baby will toddle over him and pat him too roughly.

The baby.  My last little boy, my sweet nursling.  He's lying across my nap, having nursed to sleep easily in a matter of minutes after the sleep he lost last night.  Every time this morning that he has nursed, to sleep just now and earlier even just for a sip, has been a comfort to me.  Each sweet snuggle, each moment of connection, I have breathed easier. 

It's not always like that, of course.  Sometimes I'm touched out, or so busy I don't want to stop every five minutes even for that quick sip.  But so often, and especially today, breastfeeding is a comfort not just for my baby, but also a comfort for me.

In labor with Bellybean.  Thurber curled
up at my back & he was like a little heating
pad, comforting me through contractions.

Happy Breastfeeding in Public Story - A Guest Post

My friend Mandi shared this on my Facebook page, and it's too good a story to just let it scroll down the page over time until it's too far down to be read again, so I asked if I could share it here.  

Breastfeeding advocate Mandi Chase Wolfe is a working mother of two girls, ages 3 years and 6 months. When she isn't hard at work interpreting for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing she is busy hanging out with her family, breastfeeding and playing princesses, sometimes at the same time.

Yesterday my family went to eat and play at Southpark Meadows. My three-and-a-half-year-old daughter waltzed around the empty stage and made a new friend, a(n almost) two-year-old boy. I wore my six-month-old on my chest as I sat with my husband and the boy's dad, laughing and taking pictures while our kids did the most adorable little dance together. As the mom and pop-arazzi took their shots, up walked the little boy's mom.

She was nursing a seven-week-old baby boy using a cover. The show stopped and the dancing fiends came over to us as we all started to chat. My daughter - who has never seen me breastfeed with a cover - soon realized there was a baby under there and started trying to peek in through the top and lift the edges so she could see the tiny baby. I swiftly grabbed her hand and reminded her about privacy, concerned that she was going to embarass the little boy's mom.

"I'm so sorry, she is so used to seeing me nurse that she doesn't realize you might not want to show yourself," I apologize.

To my surprise the nursing momma tells me, "If it's ok with you it doesn't bother me if she looks."

I let go of my daughter's hand and tell her it is OK to look. She lifts the cover, sticks her ENTIRE head in there and looks at the little baby, still latched on.

"Aaaawwwwwwwwww! CUTE baby!" She squeals.

Then... nothing. There was no talk of breasts, milk or how babies eat. She made no judgement on her new friend's exposed breast, how her baby ate or the choices she made. Just an observation of how cute that tiny little baby was and then we all moved on with our conversation.

It struck me later how insignificant this was to my daughter because breastfeeding is so NORMAL to her. I am so thankful to this mom, whom I didn't even know, for being open to sharing her nursing experience with my daughter so that I could witness this beautiful "nothing."

What if we lived in a world where women could breastfeed their babies, exposed, in public, and the only whisper to be heard would be, "Awwwwwwww! What a cute baby!"

Normalize breastfeeding. It works.

Happy Anniversary to Me! An Update on Austin ISD

A year ago today I had one of the crummier experiences of my life. 

In the lobby of my sons' school while waiting for my middle child, I nursed my baby to sleep.  I was told to move to a private room, as though what I was doing was something shameful to be hidden away.

I was hurt, deeply.  And I was furious.

And now, I am grateful.

One year later on the bench where it all started - I tried to nurse him, but he wasn't hungry!
  The greatest need for support is in those early days and months.  Mothers nursing in public
and employees needing to pump aren't asking for the moon.  Just support, just for a little while.

I went home that day fighting tears and I immediately sought support from Facebook friends.  I was overwhelmed by the response.

I started a letter that night of which I am proud.  It is informative, diplomatic, and firm.  It set the tone for all of the advocacy that I have done since that day. 

And (tooting my own horn here which is a little uncomfortable for me, but) I have done a lot.  I've heard from mothers who say that they have been inspired to nurse in public by my blog or Facebook page, and that means the world to me.  Hays CISD has a new breastfeeding policy that I got to influence.  I got to be a part of breastfeeding legislation that, while it did not become law, laid the groundwork for passing pro-breastfeeding bills in the future.  And finally, fiiiiiiiiiiiinnaaalllllllyyyyyyy, Austin Independent School District has a breastfeeding regulation that is in accordance with Texas law!

I have by no means achieved anything on my own.  The number of people who have played a part in these accomplishments is tremendous.  2,049 people signed the petition asking AISD to adopt a policy that upholds the law.  More than 1,600 people have liked my Facebook page.  My letter has been viewed 9,961 times and my blog has over 42,000 views.  I have no idea how many people wrote and called the school district or their legislators, but I know that AISD administration took note, and that staffers I talked to at the Capitol knew what bills I was talking about, often just by their numbers.  An impressive number of people have spoken at school board meetings and testified at a House committee hearing.  SO many mamas gathered information and drafted sample letters to make contacting the lege easier.  Every person at the Education Austin (teachers union) board meeting I attended was in support of breastfeeding mothers.  Not one vote opposed the final recommendation of the Student Health Advisory Council (SHAC) supporting a policy that reflects the law.  Some of the AISD board members supported our efforts.  And my family has given so very much support, too, and made many sacrifices (like never having a clean house).

Both in the work with school districts and with legislation, many, many people have contributed to our successes.

You made an impact.

Thank you.

For the teacher who saw me nurturing my infant and complained, that day one year ago was just a butterfly flapping its wings.

But it could have damaged my breastfeeding relationship, had circumstances been different.  Thankfully, being confident in my right and in the importance of breastfeeding, being very experienced as a breastfeeding mother, the impact of that moment has been positive.  And this has been one heck of a hurricane!

It has been thrilling, and exhausting.  I write at slothspeed, so it's been awhile since I posted much of an update about AISD.  And now I have so much to share!  So this is a long post because it is long overdue.

In May I spoke at another board meeting. In June I went to a board policy meeting.  That night, I got to post this:

It was a very happy night, despite my concern that it was not yet official.


My reservations were well-founded.  Sort of.

There is now a regulation!  Sort of.

I received this via the grape vine:

I cannot find it online, so I assume either it awaits a webmaster or TASB approval.

What I don't love about the wording is that it retains language from the right-to-pump law that the district confused with the nursing-in-public law months ago when they had an abysmal regulation that was rescinded in December.  I feel like either they're thumbing their noses at me (we can write a law-abiding reg and still imply that y'all should be locked away - nana-nana-boo-boo!) or the editing of that rescinded policy was intensely lazy:


Rescinded Reg:The District shall provide a parent or visitor who has properly
checked in at a campus during the school day, a place, other
than a bathroom, that is shielded from view and free from in-
trusion by students, employees, and the public, which shall be
used to breastfeed or express milk.
The principal or designee shall direct the parent or visitor to
the place designated by the principal for breastfeeding or ex-
pressing milk.

New Reg:
A visitor who is breastfeeding her baby will not be denied ac-
cess to any area she is otherwise authorized to be. Adminis-
trators will identify and make available a designated area,
other than a bathroom, that is shielded from view and free
from intrusion by students, employees, and the public, which
shall be available to breastfeed or express milk. A staff mem-
ber that offers a private room must clarify that the mother is
welcome to breastfeed wherever she prefers and is author-
ized to be.

I suppose it seems like I'm being nitpicky, and maybe I am a bit.  I'm sort of joking, too.  Sort if.  I know a lot of AISD peeps put a lot of time into this issue (which could have been avoided if the right thing had been done from the get-go...).

Nitpicky, maybe - BUT, the reg has already been misinterpreted.

A principal who received the new reg has interpreted it to mean that she has to offer a private room to a parent or staff member who wants to breastfeed.  She understands that mothers can't be forced to a private room and can nurse where they're authorized to be, but takes the reg to mean that she must try to offer a private room first. 

I know some women - and some babies - would prefer a quiet, out of the way spot to nurse.  I support that, of course.  But I want a regulation or policy that respects a woman's right, not one that tries to circumvent it.

I am so tired.  So, so, so, so, so so so so tired.  I want to look at this and say, "Well, okay, it's far from perfect, but at least it reiterates to administrators that a private room must be identified for pumping employees, which is awesome."  And that fact is awesome.

But I can't just ignore that the reg as written can be interpreted as saying that breastfeeding mothers must be hunted down and politely offered a private room where they can lock themselves away to nourish their babies.

So.  Next steps in this project-that-just-will-not-end:

I will email administration to let them know how the regulation has been interpreted, and to offer for Central Texas Healthy Mothers, Healthy Babies Coalition to present a training on the importance of breastfeeding and of community support as Mr. Waxler once discussed with one of our members.  Because hopefully the misinterpretation was just because of the language.  If principals have already had training and that's where this interpretation comes from, then I am at a loss.  I would feel so defeated and disappointed that I'd want to crawl into a hole and sleep there for a week. 

But not today.  Today is my anniversary.  And I want some gluten-free, egg-free cake to celebrate!